The Funniest Marriage Tweets To Get You Through This Week

Marriage is full of highs, lows and a whole bunch of ordinary moments in between. Somehow the married people on X, formerly known as Twitter, continue to find humor in the minutiae of wedded life.
Every week, we round up the funniest marriage tweets on the platform. Read on for 20 relatable ones that will have you laughing in agreement.
Last night, in bed, my foot was itchy, and my husband used his toenails to scratch it. If that isn’t teamwork, I don’t know what is!
At this point, I’m starting to think my husband’s scream-sneezes are purposely malicious.
He died doing what he loved: showing his wife how cold his hands were by putting them up her shirt.
hey. i’m running to the store—is there anything you need that i can remember incorrectly or totally forget to get you? -my husband
WIFE: So what did you do today?ME: I wrote a story about a car that has a portrait of itself at home which absorbs any damage or wear and tear. Calling it the Picture Of Delorean Gray. HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
Ahh, the sweet smell of my husband finally letting me turn the heater on.
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage. He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
At breakfast my son yelled at my daughter for chewing too loud and my daughter yelled at my son for breathing too loud. I sat back and smiled knowing they are prepared for their future marriages.
Me: I’ve never loved something as much as I love you right now. Husband: Aww, I love you, too. *looks up from bag of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups*Me: I’m sorry, did you say something?
I was enjoying building a Lego set with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he left for school an hour ago.
I don’t mean to brag, but my husband knows not to tell any of his jokes before I’ve had coffee.
The cleaning lady is coming today so my wife is vacuuming under the living room rug before she gets here.
My husband after coming home and telling me crazy stories about work:“And how was your day?”Me: “Yeah, my day was crazy too. The Amazon driver delivered our packages next door again and then I had to call the gastroenterologist.”
Wife: I don’t know if I want you coming to the pumpkin farm with us because it’s a little much with all the punsMe: Hay! Oh my gourd! That’s not fair
My husband plays this fun game where he reminds me of the work that needs to be done when I’m taking a break from the work I’ve been doing.
me: awww that cute little old guy over there is waving at us.my wife: yeah, that’s Doug from high school.me: oh.
I’ve been bugging my husband for a covered porch for years and now we have a covered porch so what the hell am I going to do with all this free time now?
Me: I’m gonna get a beer.Wife: Stay there on the couch and watch football, I’ll get it for you.Me:Wife [returning with beer]: Are you…are you crying?